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Are you guilty of comparison in relationships? What is the way out.
I have discovered that some people are fond of some comparison in relationships. Yes! many of us are guilty of it and most times we do it unconsciously. Even in marriage, we often compare our spouses with those of our neighbours and friends. It is that natural psychological belief that the grass is greener. Even when the grass on the other side is synthetic grass!!!! Lol!!!
At times, when ladies chat among themselves you hear things like:
“My husband doesn’t even lift a finger to help in the house chores, I clean the whole house and also do the cooking all by myself and he still comes to me at night for extra action in ‘Za Oza Room’. Does your husband help you on house chores? How do you cope without any house-help”?
“My husband cleans the whole house, including the toilets on weekends”
“Does your husband get you gifts on your birthday”
“My husband doesn’t even remember my birthday sometimes”
“How do you cope without a house-help? Does your husband cook the food when you are too tired to cook”
“My husband doesn’t even know how to light the gas in the kitchen, I get to do ALL the cooking” etc…
I believe men also compare their wives with those of their friends.
The effects of comparison in relationships:
On many occasions, after such comparison in relationships, the person making the comparison might start noticing some “deficiencies” in his/her spouse. All of a sudden, the spouse who was hitherto a “perfect” spouse no longer measures up. He begins to pick quarrel as everything the spouse does are looked at or upon through the spectacles of the source of comparison. Issues that ordinarily would not have caused quarrels become sources of unnecessary contentions.
If the inordinate comparison is not controlled, as time goes on, the mind of the person making the comparison starts processing his/her perceived image of “a perfect” partner. This would make him/her to stop appreciating the little things that he/she normally appreciates in the spouse. Then the perceived deficiencies of the spouse starts getting unduly magnified due to constant focusing on deficiencies of the spouse and consequently, fighting and quarreling become more frequent.
Every individual is unique. The uniqueness of the individuals that are involved in any relationship always rubs off on the relationships and should be maximized for the benefits of such relationships. This uniqueness is undermined by the damaging comparison in relationships.
One of the effects of comparison in relationships is that you end up feeling unhappy because such comparison magnifies the challenges in your relationship and drains your joy and love. Comparison in relationships also has some unhealthy health impacts.
How To Stop Comparison In Relationships:
- No relationship is perfect: There are hardly any perfect relationships or marriages. Rather, there are committed partners and spouses who consciously work on the challenges in their relationships and marriages to create something better. Don’t easily give up on your relationship especially if there are no danger signs. However, if there are some mistakes along the line, take responsibility where you need to and keep working on being better.
- There are general principles but no specific rules: There are only general principles for successful relationship and marriage, but no specific rules. When it comes to the specifics, it is all about what works for you and your spouse and that is where the uniqueness of every relationship and marriage comes into play.
- Every relationship is unique and different: Don’t just copy others. That doesn’t mean you can’t learn something good from other people’s relationships. However, it means that you should recognise the uniqueness of your relationship so that you can retain your joy and the love for your spouse, even while working on making your relationship better.
- Have realistic expectations: Every relationship passes through various seasons in its life cycle. Recognise this and set realistic goals and expectations for your relationship. Take life issues one at a time.
- Appreciation and gratitude: Practise and appreciate little acts of kindness between yourselves. Have a positive outlook to life.
- Increased Intimacy: Consciously build on increasing your physical and emotional intimacy. Boost your relationship. Love covers ALL sins. The more intimate you are, the more love you build and the less negatives you see in yourselves.